you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
