Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
