I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
