Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
