WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
