If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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