apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
