My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
