I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
