I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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