with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
