During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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