he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
