My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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