At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
