I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
