That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
