4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
