You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
