I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
