Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
