That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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