Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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