either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
