I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
