Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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