I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
