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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
