I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
