Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
