Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
