Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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