did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
