dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
