When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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