I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
