So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
