shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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