i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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