i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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