You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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