i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
