I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sarcasm needs its own font
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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