I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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