I don't usually arrange sex via text message
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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