Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
