made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
