So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
