I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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