I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
