i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
