Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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